Loss, grief, and active surrender

“No wonder there’s so much tension, anxiety, and fear. Each of us actually believes that things should be the way we want them, instead of being the natural result of all the forces of creation.”  ― Mickey A. Singer, The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life's Perfection

I believe in my heart of hearts that God is FOR us.  And I also believe there is so much at play FOR us but that we often only see a glimpse of it.  I'm learning to have active faith.  To choose faith over fear to forge ahead.  Today's episode is about my own journey through loss and grief and active surrender.

BOOK MENTIONED:
The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer

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Light, Love, & Peace,

Jaclyn Steele

Transcript

Jaclyn Steele: 0:59

Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for your time and your attention, and your willingness to participate in this podcast and learn along with me. I've told you all along that this podcast is very personal to me, I share personal stories, I'd share personal thoughts share what's happening in my life a lot of the time. And today, I'm going to share a story that is not a pleasant one. So normally, I pride myself on providing you guys with like, super happy and high vibe information. And not that this podcast episode doesn't have high vibe information in it, because I think it does toward the end. But it also Chronicles our recent loss and my grief around this loss, and my act of surrender to this loss. As I'm processing. I'm just sharing with you guys in the hope that as you process your own experiences in life, you'll know that you're not alone. And hopefully, my processing can bring you some clarity and some encouragement along the way. So this podcast episode, like I'm mentioning now is just a little different than most of the other podcast episodes that I do, because I'm at a time in my life where I'm going through some grief. And I don't want to hide that from you guys. Because I also don't want to portray that life is always beautiful or good. Because while I believe everything happens in life for us, I don't believe that it's always easy. So there's that. This is a new month, the month of April. I'm recording this a few days before this podcast episode is coming out. And the topic or the focus this month is surrender. And I'm just going to read to you what I wrote for this episode because it just tumbled out of me when I needed it to tumble out of me. So here it is. It's 3:09am. As I am writing this, this episode may come out a little differently than normal for two reasons. One, it's 3:09am. And two, I'm in a period of loss and grief and act of surrender. If you guys hear any background noise, just as an aside, I'm sitting outside in the sunlight right now. It's beautiful here in Scottsdale, and I just I need to be outside. So if there's any background noise, I apologize, but I just I need the warmth of the sun. All right back into it. It's funny how the Holy Spirit works. I chose the theme for April at the beginning of March, I outlined the episodes, I pulled a bunch of quotes from the book of the month, which is the surrender experiment by Michael singer. And then life happened and I didn't finish the episodes by the time I had intended to. And I now know why I wasn't ready to write them. And I say this with a pit in my stomach. But now I am. I'm very mindful of my creation state. My intention is to write episodes straight from the overflow of my heart, energetically, that's what always feels right for me. And it seems to land the way that it's supposed to. And I want to put through these airwaves, the highest vibrational energy possible because high vibrational energy changes things for the better. It just does. I've seen it happen over and over and over. And like I mentioned, I certainly don't feel like I'm in a low vibe state right now. But I am in a state of loss and grief. And that feels more dense and heavy than usual. Yet, I think I'm writing this at now

3: 5:16

19am Because I'm being called to let you into my current surrender experiment. It's great to put out the high vibe stuff on the regular and I love love doing it. But sometimes life throws you a curveball, and I would be remiss if I didn't address those. You cannot live on this planet and avoid loss and grief. At least not if you're loving. So here's my story. It begins last Saturday. It appeared to be a very normal day coffee in the morning breakfast with our son spending time in our backyard with our dogs Catchings In beautiful sunshine like I'm doing now, a trip to this really funky home where store in the afternoon. Roman is in a stage where he refuses to sit in a stroller. So Sam and I took turns carrying him throughout this enormous warehouse of discarded goods to select 7000 or 70,000 square feet. We got home. Roman was tired from all that carrying, so he took a nap. And then I did something I rarely do in the afternoon, I watched TV, I picked up my cuddlebug of a dog Pippin, carted her back to the bedroom with me. And we laid down and watched Daisy Jones in the six for like two or three episodes straight. By the way, the book Daisy Jones in the six by Taylor Jenkins read is awesome. And I really really thoroughly enjoyed the show, too. Anyway, those couple of hours felt like the old days and by the old days, I mean pre parenthood or human parenthood, because I've been a dog mom since I was 21, who was so nice, laying in bed in the afternoon with my sweet puppy. The other two dogs were hanging in the living room with Sam as he was unwinding himself. Then when Roman woke up, we took them on a long walk and played at the playground at our local park. Sam and I chatted about how excited we are for all the change we have happening in our lives. We just bought a house we're remodeling it. Our business is growing. We are really getting into a rhythm working together and we have some opportunities right in front of us now that we've been calling in for the last years it's coming to fruition is a beautiful day and a really lovely afternoon. When we got home we ordered dinner from one of our favorite places flower child. I sat next to Roman in his high chair Sam was at the countertop eating and getting the dog's food ready. I turned on this show Miss Rachel for kids on YouTube, and Roman and I sang and danced together while everyone finished up eating. Then Sam got Roman ready for bed and I washed my face and brush my teeth and cleaned up our kitchen. And then right before I was going to get in bed I went to let our dogs out for one last potty break for the day. calmness and Shiloh were easily found. But Pippin wasn't in her normal spot. We call it her apartment. It's actually our quite large laundry room. But she and Shiloh have these super fluffy beds and they're with blankets and all the creature comforts and when Pippin isn't at my side, or on the back of the couch, that's normally where she's found. And she wasn't there. She wasn't on the back of the couch or tucked in the blanket draped there. She wasn't in her bed in my office. She wasn't in my bedroom on the bed or sleeping on the top of my laundry or in my closet. And I went to Sam as Pippin with you. I can't find her. Panic hadn't sunk in yet, but it was certainly rising. No, Sam replied. He immediately started helping me search. Where on earth could she be? Under the bed? No. Somehow in Romans room? No. Are any of the doors mysteriously open? No. What on earth? My four and a half pound Yorkie seem to have disappeared out of thin air. She ate dinner. She had her post dinner treat just like always. And then what? Sam and I retraced our steps. What could have happened. She usually goes out after dinner to go to the bathroom. Did we let her out. We normally don't let her out without one of us being right there to watch her. So this all seemed really bizarre and fuzzy and confusing. We searched the backyard again. The fences were intact. We searched the carport in the front yard. Nothing seemed weird or off. We took a peek around the block. And there was a man being arrested for what looked like a DUI but no sign of Pippin and no sign of anything suspicious. At this point, panic is now fully pulsing through my veins. Pippin doesn't just run off. She just doesn't. I could open the front door and she wouldn't go more than 20 feet without looking back to see where I am. For the last 12 years. She has been my little shadow. She just wouldn't run off. It's not her nature. Since getting Pippin 12 years ago, I have been hyper vigilant about protecting her. Because of her size. I never let her out on her own. I'm always scanning the area in the sky just making sure She's good to go when she's doing her business so she can come back inside safe and sound could she possibly have slipped into our backyard without us knowing? Could something have taken her? The door to the back pops open every once in a while. And sometimes the other two dogs push their way in or out. Could the door have been a jar and she just let herself out to go to the bathroom. Sam said he didn't recall letting her out but he may have and I was sitting next to Roman in his highchair, so I didn't see anything either way. This realization made me feel like I was smack dab in the middle of a living nightmare. Sam took a lap around the block. I started looking up last dog forums. Roman woke up. We took our cell phone lights and scoured the alleyways and the route we always walk in our neighborhood. Nothing, no signs of anything. We got home, I posted it on all the Arizona lost dog forums. I called her microchip company and reported her missing. I posted in the next door app. It was a plea that if anyone found her to please contact me, I uploaded a photo and my phone number. I felt desperate. A few hours later, one or 2am I received a phone call from someone saying they found her. It ended up being a scammer looking for money. I didn't sleep well. But I slept a little bit and I woke up then to multiple texts from multiple numbers saying they had found her. I replied to everyone, but they were all scammers to asking for Google codes and wanting money. The circumstances of her disappearance felt cruel. And then the scammers added to the cruelty because they gave just a little ray of hope. 24 hours passed. The online forums were helpful for the most part, people were sharing her photo and information and trying to comfort me. Few people left nasty comments like you don't let her outside alone, do you? You know there are coyotes and birds of prey here, right? Yes, I wanted to scream. Of course I know that. That's why I'm so hyper vigilant with her when she goes outside. That's also why this feels so cool. Because if she did get outside without me this would be an anomaly. Shortly after I realized she was truly missing.

Unknown: 13:36

I sensed her soul was no longer on this planet. It was while Sam and I were walking in the neighborhood, and I told him what I felt.

Jaclyn Steele: 13:46

And he said he felt it too.

Unknown: 13:49

At that point, the tears just came. I kept following up on all the missing dog posts and looked at the animal shelter site and I answered all the weird, weird phone numbers calling me. But I felt so strongly in my heart. She was no longer with us.

Jaclyn Steele: 14:08

It's now been four days.

Unknown: 14:10

I cried for pretty much the first two. I barely slept those first couple of nights. Well, I guess it's 4:01am right now, so I'm not really sleeping this night or morning either. My sweet girl, my little baby, the dog who started this podcast with me. That first season she's on pretty much every episode because she sat on my lap while I wrote and recorded and edited everything myself. My sweet love, in so many ways my biggest fan on Sunday afternoon, the day after she disappeared. After putting Roman down for a nap. I knelt next to his crib and asked God pleading. Please give me clarity. This feels so cruel. I just don't understand. I then stood up and felt God say How am I supposed to give you clarity if you don't sit still. So I sat myself down in the middle of Romans room on his rug. And I felt I'm sorry, guys. I felt God's presence so strongly. And I also felt Pippins presence. She was happy and light. And I asked her what happened. And she communicated back. God called me home. He said Pippin come now and that I asked, but why didn't you say goodbye? And she communicated back. When God calls you home you go immediately that I felt her communicate that she will always be with me and she's available to me whenever I need her. And I'm crying as I'm Writing this and I'm crying as I'm telling you guys, she also reminded me to love others the way that she loved me and still loves me unconditionally. I have felt her so strongly this week, I felt her little presence in my lap, literally. I've felt her walking beside me at times, I feel her now as I write this. And I feel her as I'm telling you guys to, she's assured me many, many times she is okay and that she is restored. Or they take that to me and her little meat, knees don't hurt anymore, and she has all of her teeth back. It's so interesting how thin the veil between this three dimensional world and what I believe to be our true existence is. I think if we asked for it, this kind of communication and support is always available to us. And if we let our guard down enough to believe it, comfort rolls in like a healing wave. I have felt so tenderly held by the Holy Spirit. In my sweet puppy Pippa these last few days, I can't say that I have peace about what has happened. Because it was so abrupt and unexpected and shocking. But I do have peace, knowing that she is thriving and well, and that I will see her again someday. You know, God drops the right books in your life at the right time. I read journey of souls in February, if you haven't read it, it's a fantastic book. And if you feel a little pig or lead to read it, the now's a good time for you to read it. It's fantastic. And one of my biggest takeaways from the book was that these people who were under hypnosis, talking about past lives, and life between lifetimes shared that our souls can actually leave our bodies before we experience great pain, we have the capability to do that. And this thought has stayed with me and I really carried it in my heart these last few days. I prefer to believe that when God called her home, like she told me, her body just vanished. And honestly, I do believe that it's possible. I so believe that there's an infinite amount of possibilities and things that we do not yet understand. But if on the off chance she was taken, I believe that her soul is ended when the Holy Spirit called her and that she felt no pain. God is threading the things I've learned recently together and showing them to me. And it feels so personal and so beautiful. I've received all kinds of pings and messages. One was you got Pippin before Sam's second deployment because you were so sad and wanted a happy distraction. And you no longer need that distraction because you've built a life you love and it's time to really focus on that. Another one I got was Pippin was ready to go. Her body was hurting? Uh, no, she's totally restored. I spoke with my meditation teacher Mookie, who was quite tuned in and he said that Pippin was adamant that she wanted me to know she was okay. And then I asked him, can you ask her to forgive me? And he replied, there is nothing to forgive, you didn't do anything wrong. And this is part of her soul contract and it was decided long before she was your dog. These messages, this presence, I feel of her and the Holy Spirit. They are divine. And they are comforting. My soul feels the truth in these things to my core. And I still feel deep grief. It's hanging out in my body. I'm tense and my jaws been clenched. And I missing her every single minute of every day. I see her sweet face constantly. And you all know what this feels like. You cannot love and not lose, especially when you've been around for a minute or two. However, the depth of the loss reflects the depth of the love and joy we get to feel loving that person or fairy big or whatever it is. My friend Steph so beautifully reminded me of that. So as I moved through this pain underneath the physicality of it, I do feel a lot of gratitude Good gratitude that Pippin chose me. And that's a funny story for another day. But she really did choose me that I got to love her, receive love from her for two days shy of 12 years. gratitude that we had so many adventures together and lived all over the country together and work together and ate together and cuddled through the night together. She always gave me something to look forward to. She always made me feel loved. And like I wasn't alone. During my husband's second deployment, she brought so much levity and laughter, I spent so much time cleaning up her piece pots. That 10 months he was gone just flew right by with Pipat in one arm and a spray bottle in the other. Okay, so they didn't fly by, I missed my husband so much. But they were made so much easier by her presence. And I sense now, after 12 years of some serious growth, she knew I was entering a new chapter. And I never would ever, ever feel ready to let her go ever get I think she knew that her work with me was complete. Again, I'm crying as I write this, I'm crying as I read it, crying as I'm speaking it. Because I don't want that to be the case. I miss her so much. But I do know that it's true. And I do know that I'll see her again. I feel such a loss. And I hope that you guys don't ever feel lost. But I also know that to be human is to feel all kinds of things. Hurt, I feel such deep grief. And I'm choosing to actively surrender to it. What I mean by that is, I'm actively feeling it. I'm not numbing out, I haven't had a sip of alcohol or any substance because I want to feel the depth of my grief. I want to honor her. And I want to move the grief out of my body instead of saving it for another day. So I'm feeling my feels. Sometimes that means crying. Sometimes that means sitting with the pain and talking to God. Sometimes that's journaling it out. Sometimes it's saying it out. On Tuesday, it was turning on music and dancing and reminding myself and my son, my husband that we are alive and we should enjoy it. Sometimes it's moving my body and literally shaking it out. Sometimes it's typing out my thoughts at 4:35am in the form of a podcast episode to share with you guys because I know you've experienced grief too. And I want you to know that you are not alone, and that we could all weather this storm together. This month on the podcast, I'm going to bring you into the heart of my life right now. And it won't all be about grief. It's not all going to be heavy. There's so much light in all of it. But it will be about surrendering. Michael singer says in the surrender experiment. No wonder there's so much tension, anxiety and fear. Each of us actually believes that things should be the way we want them instead of being the natural result of all the forces of creation.

Jaclyn Steele: 24:39

I believe in my heart of hearts that God is for us. And I also believe that there is so much at play for us, but that we often only see a glimpse of it. Because of this, I'm learning to have active faith, to choose faith over fear to forge ahead. Michael singer also wrote, I didn't want to be in charge of my life. I wanted to be free to soar far beyond myself. I began to see this as a great experiment. what would happened to me if I just inwardly surrendered my resistance and let the flow of life be in charge. The rules of the experiment were very simple. If life brought events in front of me, I would treat them as if they came to me beyond myself. If my personal self complained, I would use each opportunity to simply let him go and so and surrender to what life was presenting me. This was the birth of what I came to call the surrender experiment. And I was totally prepared to see where it would take me

Unknown: 25:52

to take us beyond ourselves. That is what the act of surrender is for you So with the intention of expansion for myself and for you, I want to wrap up with a question. What do you need to surrender to today? For me, it's grief. What is it for you? Anger, frustration, love, that coworker driving you crazy?

Jaclyn Steele: 26:19

What are you giving your precious energy to that can be redirected in a more expansive direction? What do you need to surrender to today? I love you all so much.

Unknown: 26:32

If you are still listening, thank you for walking through my grief with me today. I appreciate it so much. And I would also humbly ask that you please pray for my family and I as we walk through this loss, to some that may seem like it's just a dog, but she's been a family member. And we would love more clarity and comfort and healing. So thank you for listening, and I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day. I'll meet you here next week.