Kelly Chase chats being on Netflix's "Love is Blind," self worth, & the power of a growth mindset

Are you ready for some seriously empowering girl talk?  Let me introduce Kelly Chase - star on Netflix's "Love is Blind," mindset coach, and honest, honest, honest woman.  Our candid conversation left me feeling enlivened and elevated.  Join us as we talk reality tv stardom triumphs and pitfalls, relationship building and busting, and owning our self worth through establishing healthy boundaries in relationships.

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Light, Love, & Peace,

Jaclyn Steele

Transcript

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Hi, I am Jaclyn Steele and a welcome to self discovery. Howard Thurman so beautifully wrote, don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive? and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive, coming alive. That my friends, is what self discovery is all that matter. Oh, dear listeners we have on the podcast today, Kelly Chase. She is a reality star. She was on Netflix. His love is blind. But even more importantly, she's a beautiful human. And she is a mindset coach. So Kelly, thank you for being here. And thank you for your time today. Thank you. It's lovely to be here. Like I'm so excited. And backstory. Jacqueline is married to one of my good high school friends. So how crazy is that? I know. It was so cool sent you know, when you were on the show. And Sam saw that I think he probably saw you post about it on social media that he was like, we have to watch this show. One of my best friends from high school is on it. So we watched every single episode. And we were like rooting for you. And like Kelly's kicking us and she has the best boundaries. Cool. So you definitely had two huge fans in us. Yeah, thank you. It's so wild. Like just thinking like, because there's so many people that didn't see the show. And you know, it's like, but who that I knew saw the show. But I just like, you know, it's not like I don't talk to you guys every day. So it was neat to know that you guys did watch it. And you're cheering for me, obviously. Oh, of course. 1,000,000%. We were on Team Kelly. So I want to talk to you about that experience a little bit because I can imagine it brought on all kinds of things for you. And can you give us a little synopsis of what it was like being throttled into such a unique experience? And then emerging on the other end under pretty intense microscope? What did that feel like? intense? It was it was just that it was very intense. I mean, I would do it over and over again. I thought the experience itself was such, like a really big self discovery. It honestly wasn't I think that for a majority of everyone who went through that, I mean, we're all we all just leveled up in so many different areas in our life. I mean, for myself, that show is actually the catalyst to why I became a mindset coach. That makes so much sense. I didn't know that that's what I was going to do. But yeah, I actually I hired a business and mindset coach, like three, three to four weeks after we got done filming because I was like, my brain felt like it was like, all over the place. And I was like I didn't have I didn't really have like a job. I mean, I was I had coaching, but I didn't have any clients at that time. Like, things were just like a mess. And I was like, maybe if I just like go all in on my on my health coaching business again. But I need the support that things will flatten out. Like we'll be good. And I joke with the girl who was my coach Aaron, I'm like you did more for my mindset at the time than you did my business. But that's the season of life that I needed her, you know, I needed to get my mindset, right. And it was like, like, immediately like breakthrough after breakthrough, every single coaching call with her. And I was like, What am I doing in this health coaching phase like this is what I need to be doing. So I love that. So so much alignment took place after being on the show. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Now, when it aired, there was a lot of disarray again, but Sure, yeah. Oh, I can imagine because you're kind of digging up all of the stuff that's already happened. And then not only going through that individually, but then you've got all of these people weighing in. And I'm sure judging you. Like how does that feel? Because I hate the feeling of being judged. Whether it's by like my family member or a friend or whatever. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to and there's so many people who adored you as well. But I can imagine the opposite end of the spectrum. How did you deal with that negativity in that judgment? Yeah, it was very heavy. Um, I mean, I was just telling Jacqueline this before we started, there were some weekends where I was though. I'm tired, like, and I, my emotional exhaustion emotional exhaustion. Yeah. And it was like this, like, I had never experienced this before. But it really was this whole, like, energetic drain like suck. And it was because I had so many like, eyes on me quote unquote, you know, on social media more or less, um, and it was just yeah, it was just like this like energy being pulled from me that on like, multiple weekends in a row, I was so drained, so exhausted, it was like, hard for me to move from my bed to my living room. And to like, put sneakers on to go outside. And once I did get outside, because I knew I was like, I feel like I need the Earth's vibration. So like, I don't know what it's gonna do this. So yeah, I would go and like lay outside and you know, connect with the earth and just, yeah, it was very healing for me, but with just the heaviness of everything like I think high not have had gone through this whole like mindset coaching experience, it would have affected me a lot worse because I had friends. I have friends sticking up for me, you know, like, Yeah, no, no the truth. Yeah. Well, the people that really know you, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like you don't know the truth. But you know, you do catch just one comment, or one dm that's like, you're gonna die alone? What an effing bitch. Oh, arable thing. I just got full body chills, like, where do these people come from? And what makes them think that they can talk to another human being like that? I don't talk to anybody like that in my real life. I cannot imagine actually speaking to somebody like that. And how hurtful like, Oh, yeah, yeah. So it was, you know, granted, I'm sure that there was more positives than there was the negative but definitely, it's not one, it's that one comment can just like totally derail you, and knock you off for the whole entire day, though entire week. And that's like how it was and not like energy was just so intense. That I mean, if autonomy, I mean, yes, I guess I was handling it in the appropriate way by going outside and grounding myself, but. And also, I would, if I chose to respond to some of those comments, I would never retaliate. I always wrote them back with like, I sent him like, little like yellow heart emojis. And I was like, please choose kindness on my page. That's what I would say. Not like that neutralizes. Yeah, that neutralizes the situation. Because, I mean, I think about any action that I have, what's the end goal of that action? And when you respond to something like that in a heated way, what good is going to come of it, it just gives fuel to this angry person's fire. Exactly, exactly. And then I just, you know, I mean, of course, like I said, it does, you know, it did irritate me, I'm still human. But of course, I think just responding in that way, like you said, it was able to neutralize it. Or it was like, Well, that's it. Yeah. How are they gonna respond to that? Yeah. Like, that's, again, you? Every every negative comment was obviously a projection of what's going on on the inside of that person, of course, or, but then you do start to second guess yourself, and you're like, Oh, my God, am I a terrible person? But no, but No, I'm not. I'm not even close. Well, and you know, something, and this will lead into the next question. But I observed while watching you and you know, just a little background on me, I've done therapy, I've done EMDR I have really spent the last 18 years of my life. I mean, I started this when I was like 14, doing self development work. And so it's something that is just so ingrained in me something that I'm so curious about. And so, I look through that lens, when I look out into the world, and when I watch something or take in any kind of information. And my observation was you have you on the show is that you are so genuine, and so open. And that combination as somebody who really relates to being genuine and open, when people come at you negatively, it like it pierces straight to the core, because you're like my intentions in this situation. Were so pure, that to have somebody take them and twist it. It's it's mind boggling. So I can understand why you would be like, I need to clear the mechanism. I need to reset here. I need to get my feet on the earth. Ah, yeah, it's so true. I mean, it was, like I said in the beginning, I wouldn't take anything back. The experience was an incredible experience, but it was extremely emotionally charged. Mm hmm. Higher time. I mean, I probably set it up to be like, yeah, they probably set it up to be like that, because that's what makes it so interesting, too. And the show was like a phenomenon. I don't think Netflix even realized how big it was gonna be right? Yeah, I don't think so. I mean, granted Yes. Like, literally the our last episode was aired, I think the week before the world shutdown was like, muddy like, Yeah, everybody was watching it. But then like everybody was watching it because they had nothing else to do. Yeah, like that was great on our end, but then you've got all that attention just shining on you. So I can imagine that all of the mindset work you've done was instrumental during this experience. And like I mentioned before, my observation of you on the show is that you were just so solid, your boundaries were clear, yet you were also open to building a relationship. So can you share why in the end, you decided not to walk down the aisle? Yeah, um, and I'll spit. You know, I want to speak to that, like, thank you for saying that. I, my, like, how I appeared, was very confident that I was in boundaries. And oh, yeah, for sure. And I that way, you know, at that time, I felt like super confident. I mean, because at our I had started my liquid personal development journey, like, let's see, so the end of 2017, beginning of 2018, we filmed we started filming in October, November of 2018. So it has been, you know, almost a year, 10 months, a year. That I mean, literally, I have changed my entire life at that point. Like, I was like, not really dating, I was saying like, no to going out and doing the things that I used to do all the time. I was saying no, I was staying in reading self development, personal development books, listening to podcasts working on my health coaching business. I was so just like in the zone, and in this flow of like, I'm trying to better myself because I want different things in my life. Because how I was, was not getting me to where I needed to be. Hmm, oh, I did feel extremely confident. But it's funny because watching it back, I was like, Wow, I've evolved even more. More, isn't that the beauty of personal development to like, for me, I know, personally, I'll be like, ah, I've arrived. This is the new version of me. And I love it. It's so cool. And then a year later, I'm like, Who was that person? Right? Absolutely. But that's how it's supposed to be. I think, I think it was Malcolm Gladwell. And I'm gonna butcher the quote, but he said something like, if you aren't changing your opinions and your thoughts about things, then you aren't thinking hard enough. Yeah. And I love that. We're supposed to be evolving. We're supposed to be shedding the skin when it doesn't fit anymore. Absolutely. Yeah. There's been a lot of that shedding. But yeah, so um, it didn't answer your question. Just about like my response. I mean, spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen the show I said no, at the altar. Um, but and, and this is what you know, made the audience turn it was like team Kenny Kelly the whole entire time. And then it was like, the last episode, everyone was like, Oh, he thought you guys were so solid. And it was, what was interesting was that everybody, like even our classmates, like, they were like, you guys are getting married. Right? And like, I mean, I guess maybe I don't know if I'm so say this, but we're like, no, like, we're not like we told a couple of our like, friend cast me it's like, we don't think that we are going through with this. Um, granted, anything could have changed in a matter of moments. Sure. Something could have changed. Life is unpredictable. Totally. Yeah. And every week, the thing is, every week, I was falling more and more in love with him or in like, with him, whatever we want to call it every week. And that's what like, every week, they would ask us, so yeah, like, are you gonna marry him? At the end? Are you gonna marry him at the end? And like, I'm like, Oh, no, no. I mean, that's such a giant question to be asking somebody in a short condensed amount of time. I can imagine like, I would be freaking out. I am and I dated two years before he popped the question. And I think both of us were still kind of like, this is a really big deal. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, again, I, my I kept on the production team. I was like, my head and my heart are not connecting. Something's not right. So that's what you know, kept going and going. And it was like the week I think it was like the week before the wedding. I finally just said, I'm not in love with him. And they literally like I remember my producer just like taking her notebook and like putting it down on her lap and being like, okay, we're done here. And I was like, that's all that they needed me. After all this interrogation, they just needed me to say I'm not in love. That ultimately, was it. I mean, me. It's like, yeah, of course, you guys. Yeah. I feel like your head and your heart were definitely more connected than mine. Were after seven weeks. was for years, but you know it, there was just something off, and I couldn't put my finger on it. And I was like, I can't do this. And back then too. I would say that, you know, my parents have been married for 40 something years, and I have always had this story or belief in my head, like, you know, don't get divorced unless the guy's beaten, you know, so. So I was like, okay, like, not that I thought anything was gonna happen like that. But I was just like, I want to be so sure this it shouldn't be a question. Like, I want this to be so sure that I know that this is, this is it, and it's gonna work and whatever forever looks like that's what I want. And I was like, yeah, so it was kind of like that story of like, the whole divorce thing was maybe scaring me a little bit like, well, what if this really isn't it? And then six months, I have to get a divorce like, yeah, it was just it was a pressure on me. Um, but yeah, they guess at the altar. I mean, that week, I definitely had those different feelings. I was like, maybe I should marry him. Maybe? Maybe I should say yes. I mean, he checks all the boxes or families get along. Everybody's getting along. I mean, everything looks great. But what is missing, and I literally just couldn't move myself past that. This episode is supported by rise superfood mushroom coffee. Loaded with adaptogenic mushrooms rise coffee blend delivers calmer energy, sharper focus and immune support for a balanced body and clear mind. The taste is smooth, creamy and earthy. All with less than half the caffeine of normal coffee. So you don't get the jitters or that inevitable post caffeine high crash. 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Yeah, like, up in like, let's continue to date. And that's why my world felt like upside down because the day after we got done filming that idea was completely just gone. Like he was like, he was like I am just emotionally unavailable. I need to get back to my own life. My own routine. Like basically and and in hindsight, like at the moment, I just was like this big knife went through my heart and like course, like I said, I was like every week like falling for this man. Yeah, and that doesn't mean Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to marry them right away. You're like in the natural progression of a relationship. Yes. Yeah, exactly. So I was like, I wanted to continue to see where it would go. But yeah, like he was like, I'm just like, emotionally unavailable, need to get back to my own routine, get back to work, get my life, my head on street, blah, blah, blah. And like I said, like looking back now and him and I have had this conversation. So this isn't like news to him. But I was I am now so hyper aware that he was so self aware. He knew what he needed to do in order to get himself together. And even he said this on a pot on someone else's podcast. He was like, after like, you know, a few weeks had gone by like, I had wrote him a letter. I mean, you know, quote, unquote, crazy girl came out. But not crazy though, either. You know, it's just a woman wanted some closure. And so yeah, so I get that I wrote him a letter and he like, you know, not he wasn't knocking me or anything because he even said he was like, you know, we've had conversations too. So like, I feel like Kelly is in a better much better place now. But that letter plus like her just follow ups of and just not really respecting my space that I asked her. I knew she wasn't where she needed to be in life kind of thing. And I was like, but he's right. But it was right. So much courage for you to admit that to Yeah, yeah. It totally was. And so as confident as I appeared, I was not really healed in like my boundaries area, and like really honoring my self worth at that time, I think. And what was interesting is like, even so after I worked with the mindset coach and realized a lot of this stuff and like were the deeper the stories as to like where this unworthiness and like, why I was people pleasing, were all that was coming from. I like went on a couple of dates with some guys. And I was so in my power, like, I was like, No, this just isn't gonna work out like I like straight up told them like face to face on the date, like, sorry, like, I've been a fixer my whole life. You need a lot of help. I'm not there to do it anymore. Like no. Clapping on the other end. Yeah, like I'm done. And you know, I'm actually friends with one of the guys I went on a date with To this day, because he was so like, I think, like, Whoa, like, I've never had someone like actually just like chop it off like that and kind of be like, in my face. He goes, but you're like, that's really cool that you're like that, you know? And like, Can we still be friends and hang out? And I'm like, Yeah, sure. I think ultimately, people, especially people who are secure, appreciate honesty, even if it's not what they want to hear. They appreciate it. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, so it was interesting, though, like I've dated someone after that, like in 2019. Even like last year, during COVID. We're still trying to like figure things out or whatever. And I recognized when we first started dating in 2019, all the things I thought I healed they popped back up again, okay, boundaries. I was like, gosh, darn it, I'm damn it. And you know, it's safety, like, you want to feel safe with your partner, would they want to feel safe with you? Well, if you're like, if you don't feel safe in your relationship, you're not going to create that safe environment for them. And that's kind of how it was like he started he started to pull away and I instead of being in my boundary, and just being like, okay, fine, go do you. And when you figure it out, come back to me. I got grabby and controlli. And I was like, grasping for him. And he's like, I asked you for space and you did the exact opposite. I'm like, Okay, yeah, you're right. And we did we like did give each other some space for a little while. And then we kind of like started to work things out. But then it was just came like right back into it. Like he wasn't showing up the way it deserved. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, but I like I kept allowing it because I was like, I just loved him. Like I love about him, you know, and that's it. Like we girls, we do create stories in our head because we want things to be a certain way and do and because we've been told to do that. And conditioned to do that. Right. It's our entire lives, like from the beginning fairy tales. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I you know, a lot of people would say like, Oh, he's just a narcissist. All the guys you date have been narcissists and blah, blah, blah. And I was standing in the kitchen with my mom one day and I was like, Okay, I don't think that he is one. I said, granted some of the guys that baited yes, I do believe that they are but maybe there are some underlying like, you know, reflective behaviors going on. I was like, this is just a fascinating thing that I've diagnosed your you know, like, analyze myself. I was like, guys, they tend to like love bomb me. They do. And that is that is a narcissistic trait. I said, but how I love bomb them back is or basically the way that I show that show and like mirror that is that I tend to love bomb them back as they pull away. I start to go heavy in on them. Mm hmm. That's a really interesting observation. Yeah, yeah. But I told him I was explicitly expressing this to my mom, because I was like, Mom, you and dad have been married for 40 years. y'all been like, you know, communicate, figure it out. You know, like, again, like, unless he's beating you, like, Don't run away, like, try and work it out. Right? Like, love is based on communication and working things out. So I think that's what I have tried to do with all of these relationships in the past is like, well, let's work it out. Like we can work it out. Like, let's just work it out. Yeah. Hi. So yeah, have a deeper level of commitment. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You know, one thing that one of my teachers This wasn't when I was in Northern California, and I was I'll never forget this. I was sitting at lunch. And I was explaining to him something that I was learning some kind of philosophical something. And I was expressing how frustrated I was that I felt like I wasn't understanding a lesson. I was like, I've done this before. I'm repeating it, why am I repeating it? And he looked at me and he smiled and he was so quiet and he was like, Jacqueline, growth is not linear, it's cyclical. We just get a little better every go around. Yeah, and when He told me that I was like something clicked. And now when I find myself repeating my patterns that have not served me very well in the past, I just go, Well, I'm getting better. It might be an inch forward, but at least it's an inch forward. And that's okay. And I'm here to learn, like, I mean, I think that's one of the primary purposes of life is for us to refine our characters and become better humans. And what better way to do that, then through life experience, often the most meaningful life experiences are the ones that are painful and cause suffering. Yeah, absolutely. I totally agree with that. And, and, you know, like, just to speak on that, like, Yes, I tell my clients all the time, I'm like, every person that you meet, there is a lesson, whether that person is like, a minute or an hour or five years, like or forever, like, you're learning constantly from those people. And, you know, I would say like, one of my, like, greatest teachings is that relationship that I just experienced, because he taught me to honor my boundaries, huh? Like, that's worth it. Right? Like, I really, I just was getting like, during last summer, I was getting so exhausted. Like, I'm like, Why do I feel like I have to pull teeth from you every frickin weekend? Like, it's not hard to be in a relationship, just be in the relationship with me. But also, why should I have to frickin bait you? You know, and yeah, you shouldn't is a great guy. He's a great guy, we just, you know, I always say like, I was like, the stars are just not lining up for us, right. But I started, you know, after the show, like, again, my energy was like really awful and everything. But as I started getting my groove back, I was like teaching girls how to be in their boundaries. And you know, more about, like, how your behaviors of how your parents did really affect how you love and date and like, all the things right? Oh, yeah. So I was like, Kelly, you. You're like contradicting yourself. Like you're not, you're not honoring your own boundaries. But you're telling these girls to honor theirs. And yes, more fully I was but not to the point where I want it to be. Yeah. So you know, and that was a part of us like him. And I we meet we had a mutual conversation. Like, we need to cut ties, like completely and I will be honest, I have. I've never done that. I have never, not talked to a guy after I've gotten done dating. Like I've been known to him. Like I was always again, those people pleaser like, I'm cool. Like, we can still be friends. It's fine. And then every time I'd seen with another girl was like emotionally cutting myself. Oh, yeah. And yeah, like now. But again, like I said, like, this is the first time like it's been we've five months or five months this weekend that we will not have seen each other or talked, no communication whatsoever. And there has been, of course grieving, and I've allowed myself to grieve. I have allowed myself to hold myself on my couch and cry where he used to sit. Yeah, but there has been this inner peace like no other inside of me. And I'm like, wow, like, this is what I should have done with all the other bozos. Yeah, that's that heart and head alignment, again. And I think for the listeners listening in on this, that heart and head alignment is everything. And just because you're suffering doesn't mean that that's a bad thing. Because the suffering is where the lessons occur. And if we can remove as much as we can remove the actual experience of suffering with the headspace that we're in while we're suffering, and understand that, if we can look at it, like we're above our bodies, this is just one moment in time in our lives. This is not forever. This is not the story we're going to be telling for however long we're left on this planet. It's just one moment. Yeah, for me, that helps to eliminate a lot of the suffering that's occurring. right in that moment. You don't I mean, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And like, I mean, I'm, I wrote and I don't, I guess I'm still I'm not doing it anymore. But like the first like, three, three and a half months after him and I had split, I wrote every day. I am grateful for the space that we've allowed each other for healing every day. Yeah. Because I am like that space like space space in general, not just in relationships, but like every every quote unquote relationship needs and requires space so that you can take a step back and have that aerial view out on your life and you'll be like, Okay, what do I really need? Really want? What does Kelly need what is Jacqueline Right now, and really to really to quiet the mind and tune in yourself, bring that alignment in. And it really was so helpful for me to, like, have that space. I mean, like, you can't, I don't think you can figure those things out if you don't have quiet. And if you don't have space, if you've got the stimulation of relationships, social media, TV, whatever it is, you cannot get clear on those answers. And I think a self worth portion or piece of this is, we're worthy of that space. And that quiet, and it might be intimidating at first, I think a lot of the time, it feels uncomfortable to be quiet with yourself, especially in the beginning. Because opening up the mind and becoming self aware can be a very painful process. But my experience says that the fear of it is far worse than the reality of it. And when you take that first step, the doors that open, change everything, your decisions become easier, the way that you respond to the world becomes easier. The way that you approach your life becomes easier your relationships, because you know who you are. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And it is. And there's just like I said, like this, like inner peace and knowing we are you're just you do have such radical awareness. And the more like, the growth like you're constantly growing, and you'll I don't know, like, probably for you, too. You've been doing it a lot longer than I have. But I know like if I don't journal for like, a few days in a row, I'm like, shit, something's off. Like I think pong balls in my head. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, it's a constant evolution. You're constantly expanding. And you're just constantly craving to dive deeper into yourself, so that you have more awareness so that you can have more peace and joy in your life. Yeah, yeah. And I love that you said that. And I love that you mentioned joy, because joy is not circumstantial. It's something that we can cultivate intrinsically and internally. And I think that is the difference between walking in the world as somebody who's not very self aware, and somebody who is self aware. Because when you decide to be self aware, you can also decide to choose to have a joyful day, every day, or to bring elements of joy into your life in whatever capacity you want them. Absolutely. I'm loving this lady. Okay, I have another question for you. I love that you chose yourself and you refuse to settle into a relationship that wasn't the right fit for you. I love that. And I'm so glad that you did. And I feel like it's a wonderful example for listeners, and especially women who are listening in right now who may be on the verge. What advice do you have for women who find themselves in similar situations? women who are deeply questioning the relationship that they find themselves in? Yeah, I think if you are deeply questioning that, that's a red flag already. There's probably something your gut, your intuition is probably that voices just like this isn't a deal, right? This isn't right. This isn't right. A majority of the time when we are accepting and allowing ourselves to settle it's because we want don't feel worthy of having more but to we don't believe that. That's how they were like, I guess this is it. I guess this is it, I guess is the best of the best. And it's like no. statement. Yeah, if that statement is running through your head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I mean, there's, I mean, obviously, I mean, I'm still I'm single right now. But like, I, I don't think I've ever caught myself, even when I felt like I was like, in the depths of like, dating sucks. You know, I've never said that. Besides right now. I've never been that person to be like, dating sucks, or there's no good guys out there. But I've heard it. And I think that that's like such a, obviously a limiting belief. It's just as hard on yourself. But I you know, I have friends that are maybe single and doing things that I'm like, you're doing the same thing all the time. No wonder you're not attracting the different guy, the guy of the higher caliber, it's because you're not changing what you're doing. I change a man. We have to be first who we want to attract. Yes. Yeah. And I mean, that also translates into friendships too. Literally. You know, Sam and I have been friends. I've been friends. Well, Sam and I have been friends for 12 years, but we've been married now for 10 years. But what I what I think of when in relation to what you just said, is female friendships for the longest time. I would stay in these relationships with women that were so toxic, simply because I wanted that female connection so badly. Yeah. And I would be treated horribly, I would be, you know, treated as a scapegoat. I mean, all kinds of things. And I don't feel like a victim in this situation, what I realized until I stood up in my own worth, and was like, not going to be talked to like that I'm not going to be blown off, right, it took that shift. Another thing I wanted to touch on which I feel like, hits home so much, and also I think may be helpful for women who are questioning their relationships. I had several fairly serious relationships before I met Sam. And you know, we had dated a couple of years, blah, blah, blah. And as the relationships progressed, and I'm thinking of one in particular, where this guy was getting very serious, I started having those deep, deep questions of, is this a person that I can picture building my life with? And ultimately, the answer was no, because my heart and my head, like you said, we're not aligned. But this is the cool thing that I want to make so clear to everybody. When Sam proposed, I, it wasn't that there wasn't fear. I of course, was like, Oh, my gosh, this is a lifelong commitment. This is a big deal. But I was like, I'm marrying my best friend. Yeah. And so I want everybody listening to know like, when you do get to that point, with somebody where you're on the verge of a large commitment, it doesn't mean there isn't going to be fear. But there is this deep knowing, like you mentioned to this deep knowing that it's either right or wrong. And we have to listen to that. And I'm so glad that you did so publicly. Because I think it's a great what's such a great example for women to stop settling, and especially women who are feeling pressure, like an X amount years old, which is such bullshit, in my opinion, totally, I should be married, I should have kids, I should have this amount of money, bla bla, bla, bla bla, we're all I so firmly believe this, that I have chills right now. We're all exactly where we need to be. Right? In this moment. You are, I am, whoever is listening, wherever you are right now, that is a divine moment, we are here for a reason. And whatever situation we find ourselves in, it's part of the path to our self discovery, and to refining our characters and to building the kind of lives that we really need to be living. And so I think the more we can lean into that instead of fighting it, or trying to wish it with something else, the less suffering we're going to experience in the process. Absolutely. And it just goes back to kind of like that control on that like grasping, in a sense, it's like you're grasping for something that, you know, just let it like, you know, as opposed to like surrendering. And it's not, you know, I came across this the other day was like, you know, it's there's a difference between like giving up and surrendering, like that surrendering does not mean giving up, it doesn't mean surrendering. That stop, like, I had to surrender to my past relationship, because it was not serving me anymore. I had to surrender. The idea that there was someone that was gonna fulfill my soul in a better way, then that person was and he knew that he knew he was not able to do it, whether that's at that time or forever and ever, like, able to fulfill those needs and desires that I had. And I, instead of, like I said, giving up and just be like, okay, and just like conforming to him, like he even said, he was like, Oh, we can do this, we can do this, we could have a relationship that it would it would be like this would suck basically because it like it would have like its rollercoaster moments, we would fight or whatever. And it would just be like, exhausting for a while longer. And I was like, I totally agree. Because it went on for as long as it did, it could have kept going. And I know there's a lot of girls that stay in those relationships there because of the fear of not having anyone else no one they're gonna not gonna find anyone better. Or the fear of being alone, like forever and it's like I would rather be alone than be stuck in such such like, exhaustion, toxicity, whatever it is. And sometimes, I mean, we tell our stories like Oh, he's not that bad. And it's not that the person is a bad person. It's, they're dealing with their own shit, too. Yeah, absolutely. Like, you don't have to deal with it, though. Unless you're married to that person. You ain't got to do it. And I think I want to touch on the sacrifice that something like that requires if you continue to stay in a relationship ship that is toxic, or in a relationship where you are not treated the way you deserve to be treated. Not only is that soul wrenching, it also takes energy and time away from the purpose for your individual life. Totally. And that's not fair to you know, like we each each of us has a reason for being here. Yeah. And we cannot ignore that we have to nurture that. And we cannot keep pouring into and giving gold to these relationships that have no return on investment. Absolutely, absolutely. And one of my, when I saw like, a former relationship, like nine years ago, it was a really like, devastating relationship for me. And a friend of mine, he sent me an email, and I don't remember the guy who quoted this, but I use it all the time now, and it just is a constant reminder. But free people are hurt people, hurt people, free people, free people. I'm like, it's it's so true. We stay in, like, if you listeners, like if you are in this relationship that feels that like exhaustion, and it's just like it's burning you out, you don't feel really happy and truly happy. And it's not to say you're not gonna feel happy, like, you won't feel happy all the time. But we'll have challenges, of course, kind of challenges. But if it's more of an exhausting situation for you, like, really get clear with yourself, and like, Where are you not showing up for yourself? Where are you hurting, where's their pain, because you're attracting that and that's why he keeps sticking around too. And you're not freeing yourself, once you allow yourself to go inward and free yourself from that pain, or at least get clear of why you are, you know, staying in relationship. Like, if you can release yourself, you can release him. And again, there's just this like inner peace that will come to you. And I promise yet you're gonna cry probably every day, it will happen, because you're going to be mourning the death of a relationship, of course. But I promise like the peace and the joy that follows. It will happen, it will come and that is a promise you can come find me if it doesn't happen. I've never known that not to happen, though. Yeah. Oh, you're so right. And the tears are a small price for the lesson learned and the growth that will take place. Oh my gosh. I mean, I remember when I got out of that relationship that got very serious. And I was so like, Did I make the right decision? This is scary. It's weird to be on my own again. But now I look back and I'm like, I cannot imagine who I would be if I had married that person. Yeah, I cannot imagine and it's not something that I look at with any kind of rose colored or romantic glasses like I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that would have been a really, really difficult marriage and relationship. Oh, goodness gracious. This episode is supported by Parker clay. Parker clay creates premium leather bags that provide stable and dignified work for at risk women in Ethiopia. Every item on their site shows how many hours of employment your purchase will create. This company's mission is to create a better bag for a better world by working together to create a future without exploitation. This is a conscious company that I am beyond proud to be affiliated with. Personally, I own the Mercado signature tote in sand. 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Visit Parker clay calm to purchase your next favorite bag. And I'm telling you once you get one, you're gonna be shocked. And use code p c dash Jacqueline 24 20% off your order 20%. Again, that's p c dash Jacqueline 24 20% off your order, you can find the link and all of the details in the show notes below. Now back to the episode. Okay, I want to shift gears to self worth, because this is something that you're passionate about too. You do amazing coaching work for your clients around self worth. Can you share a story where you feel like your self worth was challenged, and what you did to emerge on the other side, and maybe a couple of action steps you suggest to cultivate self worth? Yeah. I mean, I would honestly say going back to this most recent relationship, just to kind of harp on that a little bit more. Because I recognize the fact that I wasn't really truly those boundaries is because there was some like lingering like, like, Am I worthy of more like, although I knew it, it's like, some type of like, it still has to be dusted out or carved out. Yeah, yeah, it's like, you know, we all sit there, and we're like, we want this, we desire this, we deserve this. But then when you get in the situation is like, but you, you're accepting this, and you're allowing this woman to like, really getting clear. And again, I think just, I mean, this guy and I had a lot of space in between because again, it wasn't really showing up for me on certain occasions. So it wasn't like we were like hanging out every day. Um, I had the space, I created the space for myself to dive deep. And I mean, I practice I practice meditation, affirmations, journaling, reading, I, you know, do yoga, I do those self care, so pour into yourself, or in myself. And I think that that's the key is to truly listening to yourself and communicating with yourself. You have to create the space in your day to do that to do only like pouring into activities. Because an even like, I was I was interviewing someone for my podcast, or recently and she's married. And she was talking about the fact that basically, her and her husband were going through some challenges. And she said, when I started solely focusing on myself, my marriage improved. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sam and I have talked about that so much. Yeah. And I have to give what you want to receive? Absolutely, absolutely. And like, I'm not an expert in this like feminine masculine energy role, but I have experienced quite some mentorship around it. And one of the most fascinating things is this woman said one time she was like, you have to be so strong as a woman, like you are your own foundation, you are the pillar holding your own like structure up she goes. And that person, your partner is merely a decoration. Mm hmm. If you allow them to be the pillar, you're crumbling. Mm hmm. So she was like, you need to reclaim that divine feminine energy back. And you need to like, stand in your power just be this like, magical person. And that energy is so it's such a high vibration. Oh, it's such a high vibe. It attracts your person like a magnet. Yeah. And they want to show up for you more because you're showing up for you. It's there's nothing sexier than somebody who is self assured. Yeah, absolutely. And I love that analogy of like, you have to be your own pillar and the other person has to be a decoration, because you're never going to be able to control anybody else. Sam and I have been married for 10 years together for 12. I can't control him, nor do I want to, you know, and I want to be the decoration to his pillar. Totally. You know what I mean? Like I want I love seeing him be the biggest, baddest, boldest version of himself. And he also because he's so self assured, rejoices in me being the biggest, baddest, most self assured version of myself. Like, we don't Well, in relationships. And I think this is a modern day take but nobody needs to shrink. No, we don't. We don't need to shrink. We do not need to compromise or bend over backwards or compromise our own integrity. It's just not necessary. And if at any point along the road, you feel like you're compromising your own integrity. There is no there's nothing worse that price. Absolutely no, because you'll you'll live this life of feeling small playing small like you Sitting in that unworthiness like, oh, maybe I just don't deserve that. Or maybe I just know you do you do it. Mm hmm. We can all have it just because Jacqueline seems to have it all doesn't mean you can't have it all like, it's, well, there's enough. Oh, and I feel like, Oh, I was just gonna say that. I feel like, there is the abundance mindset, there is no substitute for the abundance mindset. There's enough love. There's enough money, there's enough influence. There's enough travel dollars, whatever it is that you want more of. There is enough. There is enough. I love that. Okay. Next question. You strike me as someone who is very committed to growth? Can you share what you do on the daily to nourish the growth mindset, and maybe a couple piece of pieces of advice for someone who wants to shift their mindset, but doesn't know where to begin? Yeah, um, let's see. Um, like I said, I do. So the book The Miracle Morning. Yes. It's so good. It's so good. So good. Yeah. So yeah, book The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. That is what started my entire like practice of creating this like whole self care routine for myself, because take you through it. You do this like a savers life savers as well. And you go through your silent time, which is your meditation, your prayer, breathwork. And then your affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading and scribing slash journaling. So I have since 2018, done this routine, but pretty much every single day. I may not do it all in the morning. I may like split it up throughout the day, but I don't I don't feel whole in a sense of I haven't done it at least at least meditate journal. Like, is my jam. Like, those are the keys to growth. Yeah, yeah, I'm reading. Yeah, exactly. So I would highly recommend that book. I would also recommend reading the Four Agreements. Oh, so good. So good. I'll link both of those in the show notes, too. Yeah. I mean, the Four Agreements, I actually read the Four Agreements, I'm trying to think it may have been like in 2019. So it was like a year after my whole growth journey started, I wish that I had read that book first. Because I think it would have like saved a lot of stuff would have not saved but brought on where it helped me bring awareness to a lot of things because it literally score agreements, if you live by these four agreements, and you have this radical awareness to these four agreements, like your life will radically improve, like exponentially very quickly. And it's like, holy crap, I'm okay. Like, one of the agreements is like, Don't make assumptions. Okay. Every time you make an assumption, like every time I start making assumptions, I like call myself out on dammit, I did. I made an assumption. And you know, it really can end does bite you in the butt when you do that. We might have missed that. Oh, yes, X, Y and Z. Like, you're right. I shouldn't have done that. Shame on me. But also, okay, that was another lesson. I will have even greater awareness the next time and it's so cool. It really is a book to help you grow in your awareness. And then obviously, the the Miracle Morning helps you sit with those thoughts and laugh and dive deep and be with your own thoughts so that you can communicate better with yourself. I always say, if you're not communicating with yourself, how can you communicate with someone else? You can't? Not effectively? It's impossible. Yeah, absolutely. Get vulnerable with yourself, get deep with yourself. I mean, really create that space in your day. Even if it's two minutes, just hear yourself and be like, okay, especially if you're feeling you know, anxious or depressed about something very flustered, sit with yourself, bring that quiet time to you. And I know sometimes it can be very challenging or hard or you know, there's some anxiety about it, but it really does help you to learn and discover more about yourself and like, where you what you need to do, like, what it changes everything. It changes everything. And like you said, it doesn't have to be you don't have to take two hours. I'm, I have a morning routine where I get up fairly early. And I do take like at least an hour to just kind of like, call my brain because I have. I'm an over thinker, and like every definition of that phrase. And so I need that to just calm the F down. But I was listening to a podcast recently, where like ancient Japanese history shows that six deep breaths, not five, not for at least six deep breaths, shifts the way that you feel in your own body. And it can also help to bring your mind back into your body. So it can be that simple. Absolutely, absolutely. Breath work is so Powerful I had, I had a very, very intense experience with some breath work in my day. And it was like the coolest thing like, awesome. So I mean, I say it was cool. It was extremely uncomfortable. But the after effects, like I say, you know, it's like, we have this fear and you go through the challenges, but then on the other side, there's always this peace and joy, right? That's exactly like what happened. There was some like, I guess my intention during the breathwork was like, letting go of some things I couldn't control and couldn't handle. And I mean, I cried as if someone died. Like, I mean, there was a snot running down my nose. It was just it was just out of control out of this world. I had never experienced something like that. But the breath work what it did was drop you into your body. Yeah. And maybe you needed to release that trauma. Yeah, I did. I totally needed to release the trauma. And I felt lighter after that. And this is I'm not saying this is coincidental. I don't know. Um, but it was interesting. Like, on the show, I even said this, like, on the episode I was like, I wasn't like where I wanted to be like, body image wise. All I was, you know, while we were filming the show, and I had gone through like weight struggles like back in 2015. And it's still just like was I just still wasn't where like me? I wasn't. I think you look beautiful, but I understand because I've gone through the same thing. Yeah, yeah, it is. It was interesting though. So like, it's like this wait, just like wouldn't shake for like a year and a half two years and during that time was when we filmed and then obviously like the show aired and I'm like 10 pounds lighter and like it was so funny because people ask me like how did you lose weight? What do you do what workout routine blah blah and I'm like honestly, ever since we had we like film that show um, I was doing I didn't I was doing like yoga and walking my diet really never change. Nothing strenuous Of course, like releasing the stress, but I swear those 10 pounds they came off after I did that breath work. Huh? real crazy. But because I was what kind of breath work was it? It was I want to say was holotropic pelvic but I have to look that up. That sounds so interesting. I mean, I know about Wim Hof. I know about, like Kundalini Yoga Breath of Fire. But there's so much breathing that I am just like a total newbie at so yeah, and I'm not saying like, Oh, hey guys, like everyone go run out and get breathwork you'll lose 10 pounds like it that was just like an experience that I noticed. Like it just Well, you It must have released something in you and I I'm such a believer in the mind body connection. And I think so often, we manifest physically what's going on in us emotionally. And so I'm fascinated by the fact that you didn't really change up your routine. You got clear on what you wanted. You got clear on your self worth and the weight melted. Yeah. Yeah. It really How cool is that? Yeah, it was like soda. And it really was it was this let go. That was my intention. But yeah, it was like a like a deep inhale, belly breath to a deep inhale. Chest breath, and then a big like, explosive, like exhale. Ooh, okay, that sounds a little like Wim Hof. And it is uncomfortable. It's really uncomfortable. But then when you're done, you feel euphoric. Yeah. Oh, it was I mean, I was in I was, I was cold. I had a blanket on. But I was sweating. Yeah, what? Like, I was like, What in the world, like, everything was just I was drenched. I was like, Holy schnikeys. That's amazing. How cool it I love these transformative experiences. And I love that the listeners are going to be able to listen to this and understand that, like, we have so much power of choice in our lives, so much. And just because we're in pain doesn't mean we need to stay in it. I had kind of a similar experience, where I did a hot yoga class. And then I went into one of those meditation floating pods for an hour. And I emerged on the other side, like a new person. It was so cool. And so we have these tools at our disposal that don't cost 1000s of dollars. Sometimes it's free. Sometimes it's 50 bucks, but it's worth any penny that we put into our own development is a penny or $1 or whatever. well spent. Totally. I am okay, my dear. Oh, no. So before I ask you the rapid fire questions that I want to ask you. Is there anything in your business You are promoting right now that you want to share with the listeners? Yes, I'm actually so I do have a couple spots open for like one on one. If you want to dive deeper there, but I will see February 8, we begin my goddess magic program window. Yeah, I am like, I just love it. I'm good. Basically, it's it is it's a whole self love self worth mindset coaching program for you know, I mean, I would say it's very inclusive of everyone, I particularly work with a lot of like, like single female entrepreneurs, simply because that's what I am. I mean, even if you're feeling like challenged in a relationship, this program is really good for you. Because we do dive deep into like I said, Those behavioral, like, the deeper destroys your limiting beliefs in your fears that you were told that you saw how things how you were parented, how those behaviors have created, your behaviors, and how you date and love and relationship now, really honing in on your, like, money mindset as well. Because you're Yeah. Super connected to how you view your worth. You know, so we dive deep into your like money, beliefs and money stories. But then just like kind of like, like I said, like the mindset behind life. I mean, there's gratitude, the debunking all of these limiting beliefs that you have. So really, truly just like, undoing. And yeah, yeah, because we have to undo, I mean, destruction before creation. Yeah, absolutely. That's so cool. Okay, so I will link all of those things in the show notes so that people can go and find them easily. And then before the rapid fire questions, I just want to say, I so admire your honesty, and your ability to admit, when you've been wrong about something, or when there was something in your life that you wish you would have done differently. And my observation in that, and what I want to pour into you is that it takes such a big person, and such a person rooted in their own worth to call themselves out like that. And to be honest like that. Thank you. Oh, it's just it's a beautiful thing. And it's a cool thing to witness to. Thank you, you know, of course, interesting, too, because you don't, you know, you don't necessarily know, like, who all received your messages, you know, that I put out on social media all the time. But, you know, and it's usually like, it's like, you just have this like, radically download. It's like, Oh, my gosh, like, all of a sudden, I'll be like in the bath or taking a walk or doing something I'm like, I have to talk about this right now. Like, I have to, like, do it. And it's it's funny, because I just told this to a client of mine yesterday, I was like, you know, I'm one of those people who's like, your message is more important than how you look like just talk about it. You know, it's so true. Sometimes I want to like create a video, but I'm like, looking like a schlep. So I'm like, okay, maybe I'll like write this down, save it, or I'll just, like, make it a caption at that point. But I know that my video could be 15 minutes long, because there's so much that I like want to like, work for out to everybody. But, you know, it comes down to caption one way or the other, more or less. But yeah, it is. It's, uh, I don't know, it's interesting, too, because I feel like, I don't know, like not to say like, who gave me permission to do that, or like when I felt comfortable to do that, because I feel like I've been doing it to a degree for a little while now. But I'm sure that that all stemmed from when I first started this whole, like, personal development journey a few years ago, is when I started to be more vulnerable. But I do remember like, having friends be like, Hello, maybe we're just being a little too raw, a little too, too transparent a little too. And I'm like, Yeah, no, I mean, I'm not like I, I really like how I'm like, I don't care. Like I just I want like, I know that that story is going to create an emotional connection with someone and let them feel less alone. Like, that's my point, like, and oh my gosh, I relate to you on that so much. I've had people questioning this podcast and me oversharing quote, and I'm like, it's not my responsibility. If I make you uncomfortable, you know, nothing that I am doing is outside of my integrity. And because I know who I am, and I know my worth, and I know my intent. And my intent is to connect and to love people so much that they realized that they can love themselves. That is the heart of what I do and what I want to continue doing. And if somebody receives that in a way that feels intimidating, or it seems like I'm oversharing or whatever, that is their issue. That is not my responsibility. Absolutely, absolutely. I know I've showed Yeah. Just be vulnerable be open and yeah. And like we're all learning. Yeah, we're all learning. And that's good. Like, I don't need to have it all figured out. You don't need to have it all figured out. I think the beauty of what we're doing right now is letting people in on the transformation. And on the conversations that we're having with ourselves and with other people. Like, we're committed to the growth, that's what's required. You don't have to know everything, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, just, you know, speaking on that quote, that I use really about, like, free, you know, hurt people, hurt people, free people, free football, I always say like, if you're not shining that light, if you're not being vulnerable, and you're not sharing your story, you're doing a disservice for other people to other people. And it's like, that's, that's the hurt, you're, you're hurting. So you're afraid to like put yourself out there, you're afraid you're showing up in that fear. You're allowing this, like unworthiness of being seen and heard, affect you, and that's hurting that audience, you know, so when you free yourself, you're freeing that other person as well. And it's a combined like healing exchange. Yeah. It's like a, it's like a permission slip. It's like, Hey, I'm here, and I'm sharing it. And if you're feeling the same way, that's okay to feel that way. And you now have permission to do what it takes to heal it. And I also feel like, you know, people who don't necessarily want to share their journey publicly, that's okay. But what I think we have to get really honest about is if something is triggering you, or you're having that feeling of that person is oversharing. My, what I want to do in those situations is look inward and go. Why is this making me uncomfortable? One of the Four Agreements sort of things like stop making assumptions, why is this making me uncomfortable? Because so and so has every right to do whatever they want to do? You know? Absolutely, absolutely. Responsibility is a beautiful thing. It is. It totally is. I love that. Well, thank you for a course of course. Okay, I want to do the rapid fire questions, and then we will wrap up. Okay. What do you take comfort in? I would say, I mean, my comfort is having that me time. Yeah. Yeah. Like, although it's not me, although it can be uncomfortable. It's like super comfortable, because I'm like, wow, I'm just like, getting to know myself more. And that's so. And I love that you put boundaries around it, and you're like, I have this time free in my week. Wow, I need that. Okay, next question. What instantly brings you joy? puppies now? That's a legit, I have three. Maybe like my journaling or dancing? Yeah. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Those are catalysts for sure. Okay, who has been who or what has been your greatest teacher? I would say, because I feel like I heard all this from her first was my mentor, Aaron Nicole Porter. She was the first like, like I said, my business and mindset coach, and she just radically flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. So I would attribute a majority of everything to her. Um, but outside of that, too, I mean, my greatest. I mean, like I said, I mean, that guy dated the guy, David, like, I think that was one of my greater lessons for me to really fully step into those boundaries. And like that next level of boundary, let's put it that way. And that next level of healing for myself, but me myself. Yes, yeah. Oh, I totally agree with you. I feel like in a non arrogant way, I'm my greatest teacher, like all my mess ups, all my suffering all my pain. Okay, favorite book? Probably the Four Agreements. That's so good. It's so good. I want to reread it now. And actually, you are not the first person in the last week who has mentioned it in my circle. And I read it a few years ago. And so I need a refresher. best piece of advice you've ever been given? Probably that one about the free people free people. Yeah, yeah. free, free people. Um, I came up with a quote in high school. So I kind of like go back to this one sometimes, but just like, it's not necessarily advice. It's just a life mantra, I guess. But smile, you'll make at least one person's day. Yeah. And I love simplicity. Like we don't not everything has to be super complicated. Okay, last question is what do you want our dear listeners to take away from this episode? I want you all to take away the fact that you are so worthy of having it all and that you should never settle. That's the only time I'll use that word should because I don't love using it. But Do you, like, dive deep into yourself, create that space for yourself to listen to your own thoughts, feelings and emotions and really create the awareness of like, what you want to do? Or how you want to be in this world. You know, and then take the inspired actions even more around who you want to be. You want to have and take action on it. Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. And it's so true. Like, take action, we so often sit in a place of not being empowered. You know, and we don't have to do that. We can take baby steps because baby steps add up to giant leaps. Yeah, absolutely. And fear is always going to be debunked. I promise. Like, self to like, fear. Fear is always gonna be with you. So grab her by the hand and just tell her she's always gonna be there. So just be like, Alright, let's go do this together. I love that. Kelly, thank you so much. Thanks for having me.